Breaking Point
by hallyuvian
Summary: She hated him, and then she loved him and didn't know it. He loved her more than anything and hid it for years behind flirtatiousness and teasing smirks, and one day he loved her too much and his heart grew too full, full to bursting, to breaking, and he couldn't hide it anymore. Jily.
1. Chapter 1

So this is the first fanfic I've written in a _very_ long time. Like three years, so I'm really not sure how it is. This may be the first chapter of a longer story, or it may just stay a oneshot forever. I'm really not sure if it's good enough to bother continuing(I also don't have much of a plot planned out... _). I would _really_ appreciate reviews, particularly if they contain constructive criticism or opinions on whether or not I should continue :3. Thanks!

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**Breaking Point**

James Potter gazed at Lily Evans in the warm light of the Gryffindor common room. It was getting late, and, though most students had already returned to their dormitories and to bed, a few still lingered in armchairs, finishing last-minute homework. James's three unshakable friends, however, were not among them. Peter Pettigrew and Remus Lupin had already gone to bed, and Sirius Black, James's best mate and usual partner in crime (or pranks, really; they were never terribly serious transgressions) had taken James's prized invisibility cloak (it was after curfew, after all) and gone down to the kitchens for a late-night snack. Thus, James was left with two options: work on a Potions essay that he had been putting off for three days now, or gaze at Lily Evans, who had been finishing up the same Potion essay, and had nodded off, her quill slipping from her slack hand and creating a small ink blot where she had been writing. Her head drooped and her long, brilliantly red hair fell across the parchment, in grave danger of falling into the still-wet ink. And James chose to gaze at Lily Evans.

He wondered vaguely if he should wake her. The Potions essay they had both been attempting to finish (the difference was that Lily was nearly finished, while James had barely started) was due tomorrow, and he didn't think she would much like waking the next morning to find herself slumped over on the couch in the common room with a still-unfinished essay slipping from her lap. James knew he should wake her, but he didn't. If she were awake, he wouldn't be able to look at her like this. He would have to compliment her teasingly, or casually ask her on yet another date, never betraying the depth of the feelings behind his empty words. He would have to pretend that his feelings for her were merely a teenage crush, that she was nothing more than his final conquest; the one girl that he had never been able to win over with his good looks and Quidditch skills. An unfinished project.

Because Lily Evans was so much more than that. He had had many flings and girlfriends, but they had been ephemeral and superficial. She was the only girl he had really thought about since he was twelve years old. She was gorgeous, and brilliant, and sarcastic. She was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. She was, James was sure of it, the love of his life, and it was a rare moment indeed that he could let his guard down and truly appreciate all that she was: the way her ginger hair gently looped in soft waves, cascading over her slender shoulders, the way her pale, slim fingers grasped her quill (gently, but with resolve), her glittering green eyes, which, although they were currently covered by her almost translucent eyelids and deep orange lashes, were seared into James's memory. He even loved every single one of her flaws and imperfections: the way the left side of her upper lip arched slightly higher than the right, the way the nails on her pinkies were short and nubby because she bit them, the way she was just slightly too skinny. Every single thing.

Continuing to stare at the object of his affections, James reflected on how he had come to be where he was. How was it that Lily Evans had come to feel nothing for him except overpowering hatred? How was it that she had never really paid attention to his all-too-frequent professions of love? How was it that no one thought of him as anything more than a troublemaker and a Quidditch star, well-liked but never quite taken seriously? Almost as soon as he had begun in this vein of thought, he felt a stab of self-loathing, because he knew, of course, that he himself was entirely to blame. He was the one who had shamelessly bullied Severus Snape, Lily's best friend (at least until their relatively recent falling-out), even though he knew it made Lily furious. He was the one who had spoken not one entirely serious word since he set foot in Hogwarts. It was no wonder no one really took him seriously. He didn't think anyone besides himself really understood the true depth of his feelings for Lily Evans, except perhaps Sirius, and if Sirius did understand, it wasn't because James had ever explained it to him. He simply knew James well enough to see the carefully concealed earnestness in his eyes.

It was at that moment, while James was thoroughly occupied with his thoughts and his careful examination of Lily Evans, that Sirius Black returned from the kitchens, and, not noticing the slumbering Lily Evans, said rather loudly,

"Alright, Prongs? Thanks for the cloak."

James, who had not noticed Sirius entering the room, looked up with a jerk as soon as he heard Sirius begin to speak, but he had not looked up quickly enough for Sirius to fail to notice what he had been occupied with just a moment ago. Normally, Sirius would have teased him good-naturedly about it, acknowledging wordlessly what they never spoke about: James's love, actual love, for Lily.

As it was, Sirius's words had caused Lily to wake with a start, so Sirius merely raised his eyebrows and gave James a knowing smile, and James hastily lowered his eyes to his unfinished potions essay. Lily, meanwhile, took in her surroundings: the by now nearly empty common room. Sirius standing near the portrait hole, a silvery cloak tucked under one arm and a napkin piled high with dinner leftovers in his hand, smiling knowingly at James. James sitting in an armchair near hers, focusing almost too intensely on a piece of parchment which contained only a few lines written at the very top in messy handwriting, his quill suspiciously still and ink-less. The potions essay she had been working on sitting forgotten on her lap, a rather large ink blot marring the parchment where her quill tip had been resting. After blearily taking everything in for a couple of seconds, something seemed to click in her brain and she said, suddenly panicked,

"What time is it? Where is everyone? I must have fallen asleep!"

Sirius waited for James to come out with some teasing comment, as he usually did, but nothing was forthcoming, so Sirius said, "It's almost midnight. Most people are in bed by now."

"Midnight?!" Lily echoed in disbelief. "Ugh, it was only ten last I remember. I can't believe I fell asleep for that long."

Sirius merely shrugged and headed for the stairs that went up to the boys' dormitory, waving over his shoulder and calling "Good luck finishing that essay, you two! Try not to flirt too much!"

James, who was not much in the mood for banter, merely shot the back of his best friend's head an irritated look. Lily, on the other hand, called out, "Shut it, Sirius!" Sirius turned and gave both of them a mischievous smirk before disappearing up the stairs.

Lily let out a hefty sigh and returned to her Potions essay. After a few minutes of staring blankly at the parchment, Lily turned to James, who was busy surveying his own essay. "Oi, Potter," she said, rather demandingly. James looked up at her, but remained silent.

She frowned at him. "Why didn't you wake me? You've been sitting there for a while now, yeah?"

"Sorry," James said quietly, and looked back down at his parchment. He normally would have responded with a teasing and mildly flirtatious comment, but he didn't feel much like it just then. After a moment of deliberation, however, he decided he had better fake it. He wouldn't want her to guess that something might be wrong. So he looked back up at her, the same infuriating, arrogant grin he always wore plastered on his face. "Guess I was too transfixed by your brilliance, Sleeping Beauty." Lily, rolling her eyes and returning to her essay, had no way of knowing how true that statement really was.


	2. Chapter 2

So I got a few reviews on the first chapter saying that I should continue this, so I did! I actually decided to continue it a while ago, but it took me a while to actually get the chapter written, because of real life and such. The chapters have been a bit short so far, but I can update more often that way. I hope you like this chapter, and reviews would be beyond wonderful and much appreciated, particularly if they contain constructive criticism. Don't worry, I won't be offended! Enjoy! :)

Chapter 2

When it came time for dinner, James and Lily entered the Great Hall (separately) among the mass of students doing likewise, both having successfully turned in their Potions essays that morning. Lily entered chatting with her two closest friends, Karen Wilson and Jane MacMillan. They sat down together at the Gryffindor table, Lily good-naturedly greeting a few people around her and serving herself a sizeable helping of kidney pudding.

James entered with Peter and Remus. Sirius was busy being shouted at by McGonagall for bewitching a suit of armor to chase Mrs. Norris, the caretaker's ancient cat. The three present Marauders sat down at the Gryffindor table a few feet from Lily and her friends. Lily noticed them and greeted Remus, with whom she was on reasonably friendly terms (they had been prefects together for the past two years, after all), and then said hello to Peter as well, to be polite. After that, she hesitated for a minute, before saying curtly, "Potter."

By this point, James had become relatively used to Lily's attitude toward him. It alternated between extreme irritation and coldness. At first, years and years ago, realizing she really hated him had been like a small dagger being twisted in his stomach. Now it was more like a plastic butter knife. Still, a lifetime of pulling pranks for no real reason had left him with an unhealthy fondness for pushing his luck, so he addressed Lily with an enthusiasm that her own curt greeting had not merited. "Well, hello there, Evans! I'm glad you're so happy to see me—really means a lot, you know." Here he hesitated. He didn't know why he said what he said next. He really didn't. All it would do was get Lily angry at him, but something inside him told him that anger was better than the coldness she was showing him at the moment. "I saw you with dear little Snivellus in the library. Has he decided to take you back, then? Finally decided he can lower himself to be friends with a muggleborn?"

Lily, seemingly calm, set her fork down her plate and stared down at her mostly-uneaten kidney pudding. James watched her carefully, an intense dread in the pit of his stomach. He was all too aware of what the consequences of his actions would be. It was as if he had just stepped on a land mine and knew that it would blow him to smithereens as soon as he took his foot away. Lily slowly raised her head to look at him, her brilliantly green eyes betraying a deep loathing and a painstakingly suppressed rage. "James Potter," she said, or rather growled. "What in Merlin's name is wrong with you?" And then she stood up and walked out of the room. James smirked at Remus and Peter, but it was a fake smirk, because one question was running endlessly through his mind: _What in Merlin's name _is_ wrong with me?_

Lily stormed out of the Great Hall, not entirely sure where she was going. This was nothing new: James was always awful to Lily, teasing her far past the point of what was okay, but she was getting more and more fed up with him as time went on. Perhaps it was because Lily had been spending far too much time with James ever since term started two months ago. Lily had been made Head Girl (something that everyone expected) and James had been made Head Boy (something that no one expected), and sharing a workload with James was quickly becoming unbearable. Or perhaps it was because Lily had only recently made up with Severus, who, before their falling-out, had been her very best friend for a very long time, and their relationship was still shaky at best. Severus was still terrified for his fellow Slytherins (though none of them could really be called his friends) to see them together. Whatever the reason, all she knew was that she had to get as far away from James as possible, and as she made her way out of the entrance hall, thus absorbed in her thoughts, she felt a sudden impact and two strong hands on her upper arms stopped her from falling backwards onto the hard stone floor. Taken completely by surprise, she looked up into two dark eyes and a face framed by a shaggy mane of black hair.

"Sirius?" It took Lily a few seconds to realize what had happened: in her flurry to get as far away from James as she could, she had run headlong into Sirius. "Oh, sorry. I guess I wasn't paying attention." By now she had unshed tears forming in her eyes.

Sirius removed his hands from her arms, noticing the expression on her face and the slight quaver in her voice. "Evans… What's wrong?" he asked. He and Lily weren't close at all; in fact, he got the impression that she was entirely exasperated with him and his pranks. Still, they were generally friendly, and he wasn't just going to let her run off looking like she was about to cry.

"Nothing," said Lily quietly, shaking her head. The tears pooling in her eyes took this inopportune time to start falling, and she wiped them away quickly, effectively ruining what credibility her words may otherwise have had.

Sirius crossed his arms and smirked at her. "Right, Evans," he scoffed. "Come on, tell me."

Lily looked up at Sirius's face. She wasn't in the habit of unloading all of her problems on anyone who asked, and telling Sirius how much she utterly despised his best friend could conceivably cause some problems, but there was something in his eyes that looked uncharacteristically sincere and caring (he really was a nice guy, he just didn't show it), and something in her heart that wanted to spill all her built-up anger towards James to _someone_, anyone. So, after hesitating for several seconds, she said quietly, "It's James."

Sirius sighed. Of course it was. With Lily it was always James. With James it was always Lily. Lily thought she hated James, and James thought he loved Lily and didn't understand how much. "I know. He… he's my best mate but I know he can be a real prick sometimes. Just cut him a break, okay? He means well, he just…doesn't understand himself as well as he would like to." Sirius cleared his throat. "And, you know… you can talk to me if you want to. Or… whatever."

Lily nodded, biting her lip as she fought back tears. "Right. Thanks, Sirius." She managed a watery smile, and he gave her a friendly smile before heading into the Great Hall. Lily, not knowing where else to go, made her way back to Gryffindor Tower, smiling slightly to herself as she thought of Sirius's clumsy, halting show of concern. He might be a Marauder and a prankster, but he really was a good guy. A second later, however, her smile vanished as his words echoed in her head. _Just cut him a break, okay? He means well, he just… doesn't understand himself as well as he would like to._ As far as she was concerned, James was just a git with a big ego who was intent on getting one of the few girls who had never fawned over him. So what was Sirius talking about?


	3. Chapter 3

It took me a ridiculously long time to update and I'm so so sorry! School got really busy, and then I was pretty sick for a while and did nothing but do homework and sleep, but that's still no excuse to take this long to update, so I'm sorry _. I promise the next update will come sooner!

So, as usual, I'd really love to know what everyone is thinking! Reviews are better than finally getting to sleep because it's the weekend. Thank you so much for reading!

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The next morning dawned bright and crisp. The wintery edge of November was just beginning to stretch its frigid tendrils toward Hogwarts. In true Saturday-morning form, five of the residents in the seventh-year girls' dormitory were still sound asleep come 9:00. The sixth resident, one Lily Evans, was already walking down a chilly corridor on her way to the Heads Office. Because James, who was Quidditich captain as well as Head Boy, felt the need to schedule Quidditch practice almost every night, they had been having prefect meetings on Saturday mornings, much to the chagrin of all involved.

When Lily arrived, the Head students' office was empty, but she wasn't surprised. She had arrived about ten minutes early. She pulled a few relevant papers from the bag she had slung over her shoulder and laid them out on the table, then sat down in one of the high-backed wooden chairs and extracted quill, ink, and parchment from her bag. She had just begun to draft a schedule for the meeting when a thin, brown-haired boy of medium height and unassuming, pleasant disposition entered the room. Remus Lupin. Lily looked up and grinned.

"Remus!"

"Hey, Lily," he smiled a pleasant, slightly weary smile and sat down in a chair near Lily's.

Lily noted his pallor and the deep bags under his eyes. "Are doing alright, Remus?" she asked. Then she leaned over the table toward him, lowering her voice, and said, "The full moon's in a couple of days, right?" Lily was one of the few Hogwarts students who knew about Remus's unfortunate condition; namely, that he was a werewolf. She had worked it out last year, finally piecing together his absences, which occurred, like clockwork, every full moon, and finally worked up the nerve to ask him about it. At first, he was horrified, but after much assurance that Lily had no intention of telling anyone and thought no differently about him because of it, his horror dissipated. Now he was glad he had someone besides the other Marauders to confide in. They may have been his best friends, but they weren't precisely the best of listeners.

Remus nodded. "Yeah, two nights from tonight," he said. "But I'm fine." The ensuing smile was clearly meant to convince Lily of this.

Lily noticed the strain in Remus's smile, but, in a valiant effort to preserve his pride, said nothing. She gave him an encouraging smile of her own before returning to the meeting schedule. However, she had only been working for a minute or so when she lifted her head again, meeting eyes with Remus. If anyone understood James and Sirius as well as they understood each other, it was him. "Remus…?" she started hesitantly.

"Yeah?"

Lily faltered. Perhaps she should not tell him. She couldn't just go asking every Marauder about James—they might begin to get suspicious. As soon as Lily thought this, her brown creased almost imperceptibly. _Suspicious of what?_ What had she been thinking? Before Lily had had a chance to set her thoughts straight and answer Remus, the door creaked, announcing the arrival of another prefect and saving Lily from having to answer at all. The newcomer turned out to be Severus Snape, who was one of the Slytherin prefects. He shot Remus a look of contempt and chose a chair on the other end of the table. He didn't meet Lily's eyes, and Lily kept hers steadfastly locked on the meeting schedule in front of her, but his entrance had reminded her of what she had been upset about in the first place last night, and she suddenly felt that it would be nearly impossible to follow Sirius's advice.

By the time James came into the room, there was only a minute before he would have been deemed late, and all but one of the prefects had arrived. He looked apologetically at Remus and avoided Lily's eyes. He had too much to apologize to her for. A look would not suffice. He always teased Lily, but saying what he had about her and Severus and been going too far. He felt awful, so he would deal with it the way James always did. Never mention it again. He would cover up his guilt with more teasing smirks. He headed towards the chairs in the middle of the table that were reserved for the Head students, and sat down next to Lily.

Lily wasn't even irritated at James's tardiness. By this point she was used to it. When she heard the door open, she looked up. James was looking away from her, already making his way around the table to his seat. The memory of what had happened in the Great Hall last night now fresh in her mind again, she had expected to feel a stab of anger at the sight of him, but instead she felt a thrill of nervousness, which was only heightened when he sat down next to her.

It must just be her confusion at what Sirius had told her, made more real by the sight of the boy to whom he referred. That's what she told herself.

The prefect meeting passed smoothly in discussion of patrol schedules and house points, although for Lily it was marked by nervousness and confusion. When they finished, James and Lily thanked the prefects and dismissed them. As they all flooded out, Remus gathered up his things and approached Lily.

"Hey, Lily?"

"Hey, Remus. What is it?"

"Were you about to say something earlier? When Snape came in?" She had, in fact, but she shook her head and smiled.

"No, Remus. It was nothing." Remus frowned slightly at Lily, and her heart sank. He had seen the conflict in her eyes earlier, and he was too perceptive to believe her dismissal of it now.

But he was also too considerate to pry if he sensed it was not something she wanted to discuss, so he smiled warmly and said, "Okay. See you later, Lily. Bye, James." Lily waved, and James said goodbye, and Remus left with a knowing smile on his face.

James and Lily still had a few things to finish up, and Lily's heart was pounding. She sat back down in her chair, from which she had stood up when Remus came up to her, and began to shuffle through some papers, not really looking at any of them. What was wrong with her? Why on Earth was Sirius's advice making her so nervous around James? What should it matter what he said, anyway? He was Sirius Black, git of the century.

"Hey, Evans?" James's voice cut into Lily's thoughts, and she looked reluctantly up from her pile of papers. "I'm… er…. I'm sorry about yesterday, what I said about Snivellus." He realized suddenly that the use of this demeaning nickname might not exactly contribute to the sincerity of his apology, so he quickly corrected himself. "Er… I mean, Snape."

Lily's eyes widened. Was James Potter apologizing for something? Sincerely? "It's okay, Potter. Forget about it."

James stared at her. Lily was not precisely known for her cool temper and willingness to forgive. He had fully expected her to stay angry at him for at least a couple of days, and then maybe return to her unusual state of only mild loathing. "What's wrong with you, Evans?" he asked, widening his eyes in mock-surprise. "Did you start taking some new anti-bitch medication?"

Lily gave him a withering look. "Shut it, Potter. Perhaps I'm just feeling particularly merciful today. I wouldn't push it, if I were you." She said this was a feigned teasing tone, wondering what, in fact, _was_ wrong with her. She knew she should still be furious with Potter. So why wasn't she?


	4. Chapter 4

I tried to finish this chapter more quickly than I did the last one, but I still probably took too long.

So this is the second-to-last chapter! =O It's a bit sad, and I'm sorry about that... _. But the next chapter will have lots of lovely fluffy stuff!

Anyway, enjoy! And you would be a kind, kind soul if you could review.

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By Thursday, Lily was not feeling any less confused. The animosity she usually felt toward James seemed to have tapered off to almost nothing, and she was at a loss to explain why. He still talked about nothing but Quidditch and girls. He still pulled stupid pranks with Sirius in Transfiguration while Professor McGonagall was trying to demonstrate a spell. He still purposely messed up his hair in that way that Lily found so awful and unbearable and infuriating and endearing.

On Monday, Reginald Cattermole, a scrawny and unsure first year, had the poor foresight to be doing last-minute homework at the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall while James was eating breakfast. James muttered a quiet incantation and waved his wand under the table, and a second later, Reginald's quill was writing "I love Marcy Walters" over and over again of its own accord, and Reginald himself was staring at his parchment in horror. A deep blush rose rapidly in his cheeks as he looked, terrified, from face to face, trying to make sure no one saw what his quill was writing, his eyes returning frequently to Marcy Walters herself as he tried unsuccessfully to cover the words with his hands. James and Sirius watched from their seats, lips pressed together as they tried desperately to keep from laughing out loud. Lily saw all of this and turned to James, shaking her head and shooting him a dirty look, then whispered the counter-spell, causing Reginald's quill to abruptly stop scratching and Reginald himself to let out an audible sigh of relief, looking furtively around to make sure he was still unnoticed.

As Reginald grew increasingly relieved, Lily grew increasingly confused. She stared at her muffin, which sat half-eaten and alone on her plate, and contemplated the pit of her stomach, which was most disturbingly devoid of anger. She should have felt disgust and outrage; she should have been seething; there should have been an overflow of righteous anger which fashioned itself into dirty looks and scolding glances. There were, in fact, dirty looks and scolding glances, but there was no anger to back them. They were habitual, automatic, empty. In fact, what was stirring in her stomach, what was expanding, threatening to burst from her every orifice, was something entirely different. She knew, somewhere, what it was, but she was loath to call it by its proper name.

On Tuesday, as Lily sat doing Charms homework in the Gryffindor common room, she overheard James discussing Quidditch with Sirius, his voice rife with arrogance and self-satisfaction as he discussed, play-by-play, his performance at the most recent game. The hand that was holding her quill stilled as she listened to them, her mind racing, trying desperately to find the exasperation and disgust with which she usually looked upon James's displays of egotism. But try as she might, they would not surface. She found his arrogance charming, endearing, and she was filled with an immense bafflement.

Wednesday dawned bright and clear, the bitter cold of the past few days subsiding a little, and Lily thought of James all day. At breakfast, he scarfed down his food so he could go see Remus, who was still in the hospital wing recovering from a particularly rough full moon, and Lily was struck by the fierceness of his friendship. In Transfiguration, Professor McGonagall called on James to answer a question, and, despite having been deeply involved in a conversation with Sirius mere seconds before, he answered flawlessly and immediately, without so much as a second of consideration. Lily could not help but be impressed by his intelligence. His grades were as good as hers, and she doubted he spent even half of the time she did studying.

That night, Lily took a walk around the lake, as she often did when she was confused or sad or otherwise in emotional turmoil. She was hoping that the crisp air and the absence of James would help clear her head, but, after she had walked for five minutes, a large group of people wearing red and gold and carrying broomsticks approached, and her heart sunk and leapt all at the same time, beating furiously. There he was, in his Quidditch robes and in his element, barking orders at his team, his passion for what he was doing evident in his eyes, in the blood rising to his cheeks, in the excitement in his voice. When he mounted his broom to do a few warm-up laps before scrimmaging with his team, Lily saw the anticipation in his face, and, when he had ascended and was starting on the first lap, there was sheer joy there of a kind which Lily didn't think she had ever felt. As James flew, the wind rippled through his hair, and when he landed, his hair was windswept in the way he was always trying to recreate by running his hands through it. Lily usually hated James's unruly hair, but right now, with the orange of the setting sun and his red and gold robes and her confusion-muddled mind, she could not help but thinking it looked roguish and handsome. When Lily realized that she was thinking this, along with the even more mortifying fact that she had stopped walking entirely and was now standing and gaping at James, her cheeks grew hot and she turned back towards the castle, even more baffled than she had been before.

That week was similarly disturbing for James. Like Lily, he vigilantly maintained his façade, but his insides were boiling, rolling like a stormy sea. Usually, when James saw Lily, he felt a slight warmth rise within him and a smile pull at the corners of his lips, but the burning, all-consuming nervousness of new love had faded long ago. That is, until approximately two months ago, when he had seen Lily, face flushed and eyes burning green, shouting at Severus Snape for speaking to her (ever since Snape had called her "Mudblood," that most degrading of names, and caused their falling out, this had been a capital offense). James had been struck by the beauty in her anger, and ever since then, the deep love he had always had for her had been intensifying every day. He had been able to ignore it so far, like a fire burning small and hot somewhere deep inside him, but every time he saw Lily sitting in her favorite spot next to the window in the Gryffindor common room with the sun glinting brilliantly off of her hair or talking with her friends, a beautiful, genuine grin spreading all across her face, the fire flared up. And now it had flared up one too many times, and he could feel it beginning to rage out of control.

James was approaching a vital moment of change, a breaking point of sorts: he would have to either act on his love for Lily, forget about his love for Lily, or explode quietly from the inside out. But something had changed in James's attitude toward the object of his affections. He had finally become resigned to the fact that she did not feel the same way about him, and he had also matured. He now had too much respect for her to force himself upon her as he had tried to do for years and years. He would not act upon his love, and he was left with only one option: to forget about it. He realized this as he sat at dinner on Thursday night. Lily sat with her friends a few feet down the table from James and the other Marauders. She laughed wholeheartedly, genuinely, chatting animatedly. This was a Lily temporarily free from responsibilities, free from rules and regulations and expectations. It was a side of herself that she never showed to James. Watching her then, James realized that he didn't really know Lily at all. He might know every shade of red in her hair, every speck of green in her eyes, the exact shape of her nose, but he didn't really know her, and he never really would. If he couldn't have her, he should stop pursuing her, allow her to live her life without the nuisance of his affections. Setting his lips in a straight and stoic line, James set down his fork and decided to forget about Lily Evans.

Three hours later, Lily was on her way to meet James in the Heads office to so that they could patrol, and her heart was beating rapidly and erratically. Despite the James-induced confusion that had plagued her all week, she had not actually spoken to him since the prefect meeting on Saturday, and her head spun with nervousness and, although she was loath to admit it, excitement.

But by five minutes into their patrol, it was evident that James was not himself. He was quiet, distant, saying nothing unless she spoke to him first. This was a very different James from the one she had seen last night, a broad, cocky grin spread across his face as he joked with the Gryffindor Quidditch team, a look of pure joy in his eyes as he rocketed around the pitch on his broomstick. Lily's nervousness had faded completely, to be replaced by worry. What could possibly have happened to make James like this?

James spent most of the hour they were meant to patrol looking at the ground, silently and mechanically doing his job. Lily spent most of it casting sidelong glances at James, doing her job distractedly and trying to work up the courage to ask if James was okay. Finally, when they only had about ten minutes left, James listlessly closed the door of another broom cupboard, and Lily felt her whole body suddenly fill with anger at him. Gripped by a sudden and intense need to know what had caused this drastic change with him, Lily could not stop herself from shouting. "James, what the hell are you doing?"

James looked sharply at her, taking his hand away from the cupboard door handle. He was trying to distance himself from Lily, and he had hoped that, with her intense dislike of and disdain for James, she would not notice this change in him, or that, if she did, she would not care. Now, he didn't know how to react. How could he explain his reasoning to her? At a loss for what else to say, he settled for, "What do you mean?" He said this with the same quiet apathy that had been in his voice all night.

"You're acting like a complete idiot!" Lily barked. She knew her anger was unwarranted—why should it matter to her how James acted? In fact, she should probably have thought this new, quiet James was better than the mischievous, arrogant James she had always been so exasperated with. But she didn't. James made no answer to her accusation, so she turned her eyes from where they had been staring in anger at the wall over his shoulder. She looked at James's usually bright, sparkling hazel eyes, and they looked sad and dull. His mouth was set firmly into a line, like he was holding something back with all his might. Lily softened. "Did something happen?" she asked.

James sighed heftily, finally looking up at the concerned, beautiful face in front of him. "Look," he said wearily. "I just can't do this anymore," and, stuffing his hands into his pockets, he turned his back on her, letting a quiet, "Bye, Evans" hang in the air as he trudged away.


	5. Chapter 5

Alright, this is the last chapter. Hopefully it will make for all the sad in Chapter 4 XD. Thanks so much to everyone who read and I really hope you enjoyed it! I would really appreciate if you could review and let me know what you thought of the story!

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The next several days were no less strange. James did not speak to Lily. He did not smile at Lily, or wave to Lily. He barely even looked at Lily. There was no one to suddenly come up to her and drape an arm over her shoulders, no one grinning at her flirtatiously across the breakfast table, no one to stare at her with his hazel eyes burning and his lips turned up into a small smile. There was still James, the person, but there was not _James_, the presence in her life. And she tried valiantly to pretend that this didn't bother her, that it hadn't left a gaping chasm in her existence, a hole that she had never realized he filled. But this wasn't even the worst of it. It was the suddenness. The cryptic words he had spoken Thursday night echoed continually in her mind. When her friends asked her if something had happened between her and James, she shrugged and said, "Who knows? Maybe he finally got the hint and gave up." But her friends saw the hurt in her eyes and felt both sad and a little smug, because they had known for months that Lily loved James and here was the evidence, amidst the shades of green in her irises.

On Wednesday, Lily woke up with an unpleasant nervousness in the pit of her stomach that stayed with her all day. The imminent prefect meeting (ever since James's change, he had become far more lenient with Quidditch practice and as such the meeting was on Wednesday evening that week)would mean that she would have no choice but to speak to James, and, more importantly, James would have no choice but to speak to her. The question of how this new, distant James would react when forced by circumstance to speak to Lily ricocheted chaotically off of every corner of her mind. It was the very same question that had kept her up for a large portion of the night, and had caused her to wake with deep, dark grey bags marring the pale skin under her drooping eyes.

Lily went through her classes mechanically before finally making her way to the Head's Office. Despite her exhaustion, the prefect meeting went smoothly. In fact, it went almost too smoothly. James was civil and cool, the image of a perfect Head Boy. He spoke politely to Lily and smiled at the prefects. Every time he gave them a courteous smile or a chuckled a little bit while answering a question, Lily looked at him, staring almost through him in the hope that she would be able to see even just a tiny sliver of the old James. But none was forthcoming. There was no arrogant, ear-to-ear grin, no raucous laughter, no black-haired head thrown back with mirth.

Throughout the meeting, Lily was calm and collected, her façade betraying no hint of the turmoil behind her smile. But turmoil there was, boiling and thrashing and rolling. She wanted to cry and storm out and collapse all at once, and the worst part, the part that made it harder and harder for her to maintain her composure as the meeting went on, was that she had no idea why she felt so strongly about this. Lily was short-tempered, it was true, but this was more than just exasperation or even anger; it was pain and (she was loath to use the word but it seemed the only one that fit) desperation. James had been largely ignoring her for almost a week now, and she could not fathom the emptiness this left in the pit of her stomach. The confusion and hurt was becoming too much for her. It threatened to burst deafeningly from between her lips or seep from between her eyelids.

When the meeting finally ended and the prefects flooded out, Lily approached James, walking robotically, actually fighting tears now. "James," she began, in a small, timid voice. James did not even turn his head, but moved his eyes to look briefly at her in vague and apathetic acknowledgement, and Lily felt hot tears brim in her eyes and threaten to fall down her cheeks. "James, please..." she said, her shaking voice causing her cheeks to burn red. She saw his brows furrow and his teeth close around his bottom lip, heard his carefully slow breath, but still he did not turn to her, and Lily couldn't take it anymore. A horrid, gut-wrenching, all-consuming anger born of hurt and confusion was swelling, rising, and now it was bursting from her lips and she was shouting at him. "James, how could you do this to me?!"

Now James did turn to her, and she saw surprise and bafflement pass through his eyes, followed by a pain which caused her eyes to widen, and she could tell he was barely holding himself together as his hand gripped the table knuckle-whiteningly hard and his mouth twisted into a cold and mirthless smirk. "Do what? Stop bothering you? I thought that's what you'd always wanted."

His expression told her that this was not what he wanted either, and all at once her anger fell from her, her voice softened, and she looked at James, realizing the truth of her words only as she said them. "I missed you, you bloody git." She smiled a watery smile and a few tears fell onto her cheeks. "I missed you," she repeated, because in those words were a vital truth, a truth which she had been denying for far too long.

Lily's words echoed over and over in James's mind. He saw her tears and her smile and her sincerity, and he knew that she was telling the truth, but he could hardly believe it. James had just, with a massive and selfless effort, pulled himself away from Lily. He had just resigned himself to be content with the happiness he had told himself she would surely feel when he wasn't there to bother her. James had always heard that loving someone meant that you were happy as long as they were happy, but he was sure now that this could not be the truth. The past week had been one of the worst of James's life. Every time he had seen Lily, he had felt like some horrid coldness was rapidly dissolving his organs, leaving him hollow and aching. Getting over a love that had been steadily growing for five years was not an easy thing.

And yet here she was, telling him she missed him, and he felt the coldness rapidly dissipating.

James was too startled and too happy and too overcome to speak, so instead he stepped toward Lily and pressed his lips to hers, not caring about the salty taste of the few tears that fell down her cheeks and onto their lips. His kiss was chaste and sweet and he cupped her face tenderly in his hands. Finally, James pulled away.

"I'm sorry, Lily," he said, sighing. "It's just… you didn't like me. I just couldn't take it anymore. I didn't want to keep bothering you and I thought it would be better if we just didn't speak."

"James," Lily said softly. His name fell from her lips with unprecedented sweetness. "I do like you." She blushed. "I… _really _do, actually. I just... didn't know, somehow."

James smirked at her, that arrogant smirk which she used to despise but had so missed for the last week, and it changed his demeanor instantly. "Of course you do. We both know how incredibly gorgeous and irresistible I am." He was back to his arrogant, teasing self, and Lily could hardly believe how glad she was for it.

"Oh, sod off," said Lily, but she was smiling warmly at him. Then she stood on her toes and kissed him, a kiss which she hoped would convey the depth of her feelings, a depth which she had just discovered and which she didn't know if she would ever voice.

As James kissed Lily, he opened his eyes, and he saw her ginger eyelashes resting gently on her cheeks, and her pale skin now tinged with pink, and the gentle waves of her deep orange hair. As Lily kissed James, she wondered how she had rejected him for so many years. After they broke apart, James grasped both of Lily's hands in his own.

"So, Evans," he said, standing close and smirking at her. "How'd you like to go out with me?"

"With _you, _Potter? I guess it might not be _too _awful," she said with feigned reluctance.

And both of them knew, despite their teasing, that this was the way it should be, that Lily was not Lily without James, and James was not James without Lily.


End file.
